Comedy, legacy and memories

Photo by Monica Silvestre from Pexels

Grief affects everyone in different ways. It definitely seems that way to me with how my 3 brothers are processing my Dad's death and what I am doing about my feelings. 

If you have read previous posts of mine you will have seen some of the things that have helped me process his dying, death and his not being physically on this planet anymore. 

On 17th June I did my Thursday evening 'live' on FB and YouTube and talked about a fair number of things.

Here are some thoughts and links to some of the things I mentioned during that 'live' that have stuck in my mind for whatever reason since my Dad's terminal diagnosis in November 2019. 

Watching Daniel Sloss's comedy show Dark the weekend that my middle brother's family visited to see my Dad for one last time before he died. In this show he talks about death and offence so here is the link to the blog post I wrote about NOT taking offence 8 years ago To be or not to be offended... He has done other shows since that one but Dark and Jigsaw are on Netflix here. All his shows are worth watching as he has a great commentary on life - google him and see if you like him. If you don't watch his shows anyway and if you do, watch his shows (his latest is on HBO.)

I also talked about James Acaster 'cold lasagne hate myself 1999' - you can buy that here. As a family, we watched this recently which made me realise that I need to make the most of my small family unit being together as my son gets ready to go to University. My son leaving is just one of those life events that can bring up feelings like grief and loss from previous life events. This is something I have realised over the years especially if those emotions around loss are not acknowledged, accepted, processed, etc.

Being home educated my children spent a reasonable amount of time with my parents as we were free to visit Burton Agnes, Ilkley, Bridlington, or wherever they happened to be living, whenever we wanted. Even when my parents moved to York we were round there for tea, film watching, etc on a regular basis. My Dad is the first grandparent my children have lost. My Dad was around for Zack's 18th birthday; celebrated his GCSE results but he won't be here for his level 3 results or see him go to University. He wasn't here to celebrate Indie's 16th or see the Art and Design project they have just completed. I'm writing this here as a reminder of how quickly things change.I never thought my Dad wouldn't be here to see Indie turn 18. I am so glad that I have those memories of times walking along the front at Bridlington or lunches at Buffers near Bolton Abbey. Here is a reminder to everyone to create memories with friends and family and hold those memories dear for when times might be tougher or those people have moved on in whatever way.

I mentioned Bo Burnham in my 'live' too and this was my daughter's finding and so it was perfect timing that his 'Inside' Netflix special landed a few weeks ago. Grieving for my Dad during lockdown and restrictions was not easy. Obviously, I have no way of knowing whether it would have been 'better' with no COVID but it was tricky to not be able to visit places that we had been to lay that 'first visit without Dad' to rest; I have only visited the graveside once because it involves a significant drive and there was no family gathering last year and won't be this year where we can reminisce or maybe go to Bolton Abbey for the first time without Dad. 

Why I am writing this here is because the Bo Burnham special was such a fantastic reflection of those up and down emotions around life purpose, lockdown, separation from the 'norm' and loss in such a poignant and brutally honest way. It reminded me that I am human with all the wonderful, f**ked-up, fantastic and sometimes crippling emotional lows that go with that.

Weirdly enough I don't think any of these comedy shows would have been appreciated by my Dad. He loved a good comedy but these younger comedians would not have been his 'cup of tea.' However, they have helped me and my children navigate some emotional ups and downs since Dad's diagnosis and death.

If comedy isn't your bag though I would search for that experience or connection that mirrors to you that those of feelings of loss, grief, sadness, etc. are ok, part of life, to be experienced and felt, and even wallowed in. I wrote poetry, composed songs, did rituals and crazy ritualistic fundraiser activities. I used essential oils to support my grieving, did some learning around ancestry and journaled on what my dead ancestors would want for me for my life. I got angry at Dad for dying, celebrated that he was gone (as he would have hated lockdown), reminisced with my children about what he was like and agreed with my Mum that he really was a person "who was difficult to ignore." I hope I will continue to do these things with him in the background until the day I die. 

I'm here to help

If you want to have a chat with me about anything I have written or about any of my healing sessions whether it be about ancestral stuff, a lost loved one or anything else please book a free call. I'm always here to help if I can and if that resonates with you. 

If you are wanting any help with grieving over a lost loved one then there are also essential oils that are fantastic in helping with the process so a chat about that is also something I am more than happy to have with you. My free eBook and extra stuff are also available on my member site here. 

There is also a video I have done about essential oils and grieving here as well as two videos about using oils with emotions here and here

Legacy is a circular thing & a wonderful acronym for life

During my core shamanic practitioner training I learnt to 'psychopomp' people. Psychopomp is derived from a Greek word that literally means 'guide of souls.' The shamanic ritual of psychompomping is therefore making sure that the soul of a deceased person gets to the shamanic land of the dead. 

This new way of viewing death and just the act of openly talking about death gave me a different view on where I am going when I die and how that fits in the amazing circle of life. Subsequent talks about:

1. ancestors and those that come before and after my time on this earth in this body
2. time and how in the spirit world it is not linear as it is on earth
3. reincarnation and choosing to live on earth again as a different lifeform 

were just some of the things that got me thinking about my legacy but only really as a vague thought in my mind rattling around but not really taking up space enough for me to really formulate any ideas.

Nothing brings these ideas into focus more than the death of a significant person and so my Dad's death in January 2020 re-engaged my thoughts around legacy and what it means to me. I wrote about my Dad's legacy in a previous blog post here. My Dad wanted to finish writing his latest book once he knew he was dying and it is such a gift to have all his published books to look at as something that has lasted beyond his time on this earth.

What does legacy mean to me?

The word legacy is derived from the Latin legatus meaning 'ambassador.' The meaning has changed over time and is now more linked to what is left after your death especially in a will but I am taking the word back to its legatus meaning.

After my Dad died and with lockdown starting soon after his death I was given the chance to do some personal healing work by attending an ancestral healing shamanic course. I was able to heal some of my ancestors from all four of my grandparent's lines and bring them into my shamanic work as ancestral healing guides. It made so much sense that healing those who have gone before and making sure that they were safely in the land of the dead would have such an important impact on all those ancestors who have come after those relatives.

This is when it really hit me that being an ambassador is not only leaving the planet a better place for those who come after me (whether my direct offspring, those whose lives I have touched or even anyone who is here after me) but also that I need to be the best I can be for those who have come before me. So many amazing people are in my family tree - so many experiences, so many obstacles overcome; so much learning and growth; so many amazing gifts and sacrifices and that doesn't even include the miracle of my existence on this planet.

You are a miracle

The proof is in this article here. The likelihood that you were born to the ancestors you have is truly a miracle: an event so unlikely as to be almost impossible.

So my challenge to you (and to myself) is to truly act like the miracle you. As one of my favourite artists Nik Kershaw sings in You Don't Have to Be The Sun - "you don't have to be the sun to shine on me, just the miracle you are!"

As a helping hand and because I love a great acronym feel free to use the following to help you be your truly awesome, miraculous being.

L = Love. Love yourself. Love everything you do. Love your life. Bring love to others you connect with

E = Everything. Do everything you do at 100% but that includes resting, failing, learning, loving and being with your friends (give them 100% of your attention!)

G = Gratitude. Find whatever you can to be grateful for. This isn't always easy but even if you can think of is that you are still breathing, thinking and feeling that is enough.

A = Authenticity. Be totally you! We have established you are a miracle so be miraculously you. Share your uniqueness with the world in whatever joyous ways you can. 

C = Creative. Find a place beyond your comfort zone and be creative with sharing yourself with the world via your friends, family or whoever you resonate with. Find the thing that makes you feel amazing about yourself.

Y = You. Remember you are the sum of your ancestors who came before you and will come after you. Take those gifts from them and thank them daily. Share those gifts with anyone/everyone. You leave your legacy with every person you interact with so make it a great interaction. 

If you want to hear more go and watch my FB 'live' about from New Year's Eve 2020. 

If you want to have a chat with me about any of my healing sessions whether it be about ancestral stuff, a lost loved one or anything else please book a free call. I'm always here to help if I can and if that resonates with you. [click button below]

If you are wanting any help with grieving over a lost loved one then there are also essential oils that are fantastic in helping with the process so a chat about that is also something I am more than happy to have with you. My free eBook and extra stuff are also available on my member site here. 

There is also a video I have done about essential oils and grieving here as well as two videos about using oils with emotions here and here.

I'm here to help

Dad's book legacy

Dad's book had robins on it.

The day before my Dad found out he was dying, I gave him an early Christmas present. I had been at a Xmas fair that day sharing my essential oils with people and I had bought a lovely homemade covered A5 book from a fellow stall owner. 

I returned home and found out that Dad had been to the hospital and because they thought he had an infection they had kept him in. I went to visit with my Mum and thought it would be nice for him to have his Christmas present early as he was an avid writer. 

Little did I know that the only thing he would write in that book would be his 'bucket list' after he got his terminal diagnosis.

One of the things on his list was to get his most recent book finalised and published. He never got to see the finished product but he knew it would be published before he died on Saturday 25th January 2020. 

He wanted it to be free to anyone who wanted it and he managed that too. The icing on the cake for him was the fact that my daughter Indie's drawing was used on the cover. 

My Dad started his writing career coming up with Letten courses for Scripture Union but later on in life, he put pen to paper and wrote various storybooks. Since his death, Mum and I have catalogued what copies we have left of his various books and so here is a chance for you to get your hands on some copies if you would like.

I am going to tell you a small bit about each book and how much the books are including p&p. Any money that we receive over and above costs will go towards Dad's wish to help his Grandson, Zack, go to Kenya (hopefully Summer 2022) to honour our ancestors. 

If you would like to read more about Zack's adventures you can visit my post that talks about it here. There is also a newspaper article about it here. If you would like to donate directly you can here. If you shop online you can also help for FREE here. 

Sophie's World was my Dad's last book. It is about Sophie who's Grandad has just died and is wondering what death is all about. 

The irony of this being published after my Dad's death was not lost to my daughter Indie, who designed and drew the front cover and then lost her Grandad (and her first grandparent.) 

It is 14 pages long and was written to help children or younger people deal with the death of a loved one. 

My Dad wanted this to be free to anyone who needed it so this is £2 for p&p in the UK. If you would like a copy please contact me or pay via Paypal here adding which book/s you would like with your postal address.

My Dad wrote Sally's Angel for his, at the time, five grandchildren (his publishing company was called Bizz-B books using the initials of those 5 grandchildren!) 

It starts "Discovering that you can see angels is not an easy way to remain calm on a hot summer's day. To find your first one propped up against a bollard on a traffic island in the middle of the High Street makes it even worse. That's what happened to Sally Jenkins, who was 11 years old and loved in Burlington."

The rest of the book follows the adventures of Sally, and her friends when Sally discovers that she can not only see but talk to Michael, the angel. It is a story full of the magical and often extraordinary world that children can live in. 

This book is 44 pages long over 7 chapters and is priced at £4.50 with p&p being an extra £2. If you want both this and Sophie Wonders the p&p goes up to £2.50.

Again if you would like a copy please contact me or pay via Paypal here adding which book/s you would like with your postal address. 

Then there is The Seeker and The Guide, a wonderful book of reality and dreams, surprises and reflections, memories and meaning. It is a book that takes you on a wonderful journey of discovery. It is 77 pages long and is priced at £5 excluding £2 p&p. I would say that this is more pitched at adults but believe that an older child would find it interesting and enlightening.

Anyway again let me know if you would like copies of any of these books or just pay via Paypal here adding which book/s you would like with your postal address. 

If you want this book and Sally's Angel then postage and packing is £2 but if you want all 3 books it is £3. Any other combinations would need me to work out how much p&p would be. 

There are limited copies of the books but at present, we have over 50 of each so please share this page with others if you can think of anyone who would like copies of any of them. Thank you so much for reading.

Here's the beginning of The Seeker and Guide to whet your appetite.

A Seeker came to the Guide's door and asked where he should begin his journey. "What is your destination?" the Guide asked. "I do not know anything except that I must begin to travel in order to discover another way," the Seeker replied. "Then we shall begin from here" said the Guide. "Look at yourself and tell me what you see."

"I see one who has wandered for many years," said the Seeker. "I have been to all manner of places and have seen wonderful and amazing sights. I have owned houses and valuable things, taken a wife and fathered children. I am very well off and want for nothing. But in all of this, I recognise that I have discovered no clear path. I have grown older but have nothing more to say except that I have been to more places and acquired more things. 

For many years I dismissed the possibility that there were things to be thought about which did not depend upon what I could buy or afford. Now I'm not so sure. I see others who ought to envy me but they only look at me with sadness. They should look for my approval and friendship for I could benefit them but they seek their fellowship elsewhere. They seem to say to me 'there is another way', and it is this that I wish to find"

The Guide pointed at the river which ran through the valley in which his home stood. "There are" he said, "some in this village who have never left its boundaries. When they come to the banks of this river you could ask them where this river comes from and where it goes, and they would tell you that it is a mystery. If I told them that the river begins in the hills fifty miles from here they would be no wiser, and if I said that it flows into the sea, it would mean nothing to them. So it is with the Way you seek: it is a mystery."

My crazy fundraising idea

I am going to be doing a sponsored walk with a

difference:

1. to raise money for Black Lives Matter

2. to raise money for my son Zack’s 2021 Summer trip to Kenya with Camps International

3. in honour of my Dad who died January 25th 2020

4. in honour of my ancestors

During lock down, my hubby bought a swimming pool for the garden. Whilst using the pool for hydrotherapy for a minor knee injury, I suddenly thought it would be a unique way to raise money. 

So here's the crazy idea - on the 25th June, I am going to jog 25 lengths of the 4-metre pool.

On the 26th June, I am going to jog an extra 8 lengths and will continue to add a further 8 lengths every day until the 25th July. This is perfect because on the 24th July I will break the 1km mark on what would have been my Mum and Dad’s Emerald (55th) wedding anniversary.

On the 25th of July, 6 months to the day after my Dad died, I will run / jog / walk 1060 metres and over the whole event, I will have jogged 17,688 metres, in memory of my Dad and his ancestors.

Here’s the back story as to why Black Lives Matter and Zack’s Camp International trip.

This is a picture of my Dad's (and my) ancestors.

My Great-Great-Grandfather, John Vieria is on the left with his mother in the middle. 

 It is believed that she was the first one of her family not born into slavery. However, not much else is known about them and this is only one of 2 pictures that survive of John. 

  

My Dad only heard about his Grandfather very occasionally from his Grandmother because my Nanna (Dad’s Mother) and her 12 siblings didn’t talk about their black father. They didn’t want to be ‘tarred with the same brush’ and face racial abuse. 

One of the reasons Zack was drawn to doing the Camp International trip to Kenya was because he felt the draw to Africa where these black ancestors came from. He is also going in honour of my Dad which you can read about in this York Press article.

I am also taking this opportunity to read ‘Me and White Supremacy’ by Layla F Saad, which contains 28 exercises designed to be done daily. If anyone would like to join me that would be amazing so that we can all become ‘good ancestors’ together (Layla's reason for making the 'challenge' and turning it into a book.)  

All there is to do now is:

1. hope the weather is good as the pool is often only 14 degrees when it's cold and running in water takes longer than you think
2. Raise money for free here when shopping online at Amazon, Ebay, Currys, etc. There is also an app to you can fundraise for free from your phone! https://www.easyfundraising.org.uk/causes/zackchamberlinkidd/
3. Go sponsor Zack at  https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/zack-kenya-2021 
4. Go sponsor Black Lives Matter at https://www.gofundme.com/f/ukblm-fund
5. Let me know if you donate here and I will add you to a prize draw for essential oils  
6. Keep an eye on my FB page here for videos of me looking daft running in a 4m back garden pool

My thoughts about death and grieving during lockdown

Things have been so surreal since my Dad died at the end of January. I suppose things were always going to be weird, strange, odd, even discombobulated (as I said in a FB 'live' after his death.) And so it was and is: there is a Dad shaped hole in my life. Nothing can change that.

However just as I was getting back to a 'normal' routine after his death, Covid19 hit and suddenly we were in lockdown. And since then, my grieving process has got sort of stuck in a time warp.

I can't visit my Dad's grave.
My Mum hasn't been able to order a gravestone.
I can't easily do any of the honouring things I had in mind to help with my grieving journey.
I can't visit my Mum easily or any of my relatives.
Holidays when I was going to do something 'honouring' have been cancelled.

These feelings have sent me back in time to when I had a molar pregnancy miscarriage at 19 weeks pregnant in 2003. I was monitored for 8 months following the termination to check that I wasn't getting cancer which a molar pregnancy can become. Although I felt devastated I didn't grieve because I was busy dealing with the trauma of the follow-up. Years later I had a major breakdown when I saw a painting of a 7-year-old girl (which is the age my daughter would have been at that time) because I hadn't really acknowledged my loss and I definitely hadn't processed it as I was too busy dealing with my potential cancer diagnosis and then life took over.

I know I am so lucky in so many ways. I got to attend my Dad's funeral in February and his memorial service a month later in March. I got to say goodbye reading a poem at his graveside. I started the grieving process whilst he was still alive and was supported by friends and family. I got to talk to my friends and family face to face after his death. I got to cry and get hugs in person.

My grieving process is harder now. I can still talk to those friends who have supported me but there are no hugs and crying is so much harder over the internet. I have found being brutally honest with the few friends I trust to hold that space for me has really helped but it is more tiring to deal with the aftermath on my own in my house. My essential oils have really helped and I have a creative outlet for some of my grief via poetry. I have had shamanic healing that has helped. I learnt a lot from looking back at the experience of my miscarriage and what helped me and what didn't and that knowledge has helped me. As I said I am very lucky.

My heart goes out to all of those who have lost a loved one during this time. Grieving is such a personal and odd process at the best of times but in lockdown, our 'normal' has gone: the routine that we could grieve around is dead. We are untethered.

So now is the time to find people who you can vent to, cry with, or just be in silence with over the internet.

Now is the time to plan to meet up with those who will truly 'see' you or can be ok holding your pain for as long as you need.

Now is the time to plan those honouring celebrations and rituals that will help you take the memories of those who have died forward with you.

Now is the time for us to all start talking openly and honestly about death and dying so no one ever feels alone or not seen when a loved one has died.

If you would like any support around grieving using the amazing healing power of essential oils please get in touch using the contact form or visit my free Essential Oils for Grief & Loss product here to access a free eBook & watch a video of how I helped myself whilst grieving.

The Waves of Grief poem

The Waves of Grief

It doesn’t matter how strong

When the waves come they batter

It doesn’t matter how sad

Those waves crash over, no matter

How prepared

#How surrounded by those you love

Nothing can stop the push of water

The pull of the undertow

Trending water

Going under

Come back up

Put on a brave face for shoe

But the pressure of the sorrow

Actual hurts in my chest

The pressure of tomorrow

I feel under duress

To keep going

Despite the siren call to

Stop floating

And just let go

To know

I will not see you again

Is just too real, too surreal

The waves come crashing

Choking

Taking my breath away

And I say

“I miss you Dad”

And I keep swimming

Heavy legs and struggling arms

All twisted and uncoordinated

My world turned upside down

Disjointed, discombobulated

Debris

Life jacket

Comes past out of nowhere

I just grab for whatever

I don’t care

I’ll take a hand, a laugh, a smile

And hold it like I’ve been given gold

A moment of happiness

Or gratitude

Wherever I can find it

Like a pearl in an oyster

Or a piece of driftwood to hold

When dragged under or over by the waves of grief

Battered and broken

Drowning alone

Those precious moments of human empathy

Can remind me of home

I am Dadless, I am sadness

This is who I am now

But there is happiness

And memories to hold on to too

I am sadness, Happiness

Laughter and loss

Darkness and light

Solid and ghost

I am strong

I am weak

I am a human who’s grieving

I am silence

I am song

I am grateful to be breathing

The poem was written by Viv Chamberlin-Kidd 

17 days after her Dad’s death on 25/01/20

Here is a video of my saying the poem on a FB ‘live’ on 10th April 2020 can be viewed here on YouTube https://youtu.be/5tKJC72lOk4