Top tips for a healthy relationship

Recent things in my life have made me think about what I would like to teach my children about communicating and having lasting relationships (if that is what they want.) I have been married to my dh for nearly 21 years and most of the time we are happy but there have been times when things were not great. We argue, disagree and most of these things are due to the fact that we think and act very, very differently.

One of the best things I think that explains some of the issues we have encountered in our relationship I learnt about when I attended the Hoffman Process back in 2009. It is that in most relationships there tends to be one “minimiser” and one “maximiser.” This is taken from the Imago Relationship Therapy developed by Harville Hendrix. 

There are some great explanations out there at the Imago UK page or at these webpages -  Joan Emerson's page or The Passion Doctor

My experience is described in the table below:   

Maximiser	Minimiser
Need all disagreements sorted out now	Need space and time to think but then don’t want to talk about it ever
Needs emotions acknowledged	Tend to withhold feelings
Aggressive	Passive-aggressive
Outwardly express feelings	Tend to keep feelings to themselves
Look outward for approval	Look inward for approval
Tend to be quick thinkers	Needs time to think things through
Tend to be energised by being with my friends	Tend to be tired out by being with friends

My Hoffman teacher Matthew Pruen explained it well as “minimisers are like a tortoise and maximisers are like a monkey banging the tortoise on the shell shouting “come out, I love you” louder and louder. The more they bank the more the tortoise clams up.” He sums it up that minimisers need to learn to speak up and maximisers need to learn to listen.

From my own experience as a maximiser, minimisers need to remember that when they have been given space to think things through, the maximiser is then like a hungry tortoise looking at some lettuce very far away: every step is like torture to get the answer they need.

With my DH his biggest issue as a minimiser is when he hears me talk he hears “never..”; “always..” e.g. “you always forget…” or “you never remember...”. In return when DH doesn’t talk I, as a maximiser, think/feel that my feelings are always ignored, not loved, not respected, etc. You can see with this example what a wonderfully vicious cycle it is. So I need to try and soften my language and DH needs to be aware of my feelings of frustration.

This is where the 5 Languages of Love can really help to make a relationship more robust. So this is another thing that I have done with my children as part of their home education as although it is called languages of love it could easily be called the language of relationship. 

Go to the website and take the test to find out what your primary (and secondary) love language is. The higher the score the more important that language is to you and lower scores indicate that those are languages you seldom use to communicate love. 

Be aware that your love languages may be different to those of your partner and children and that you need to express love to those people in the mode that they want it NOT in the way that you want it. Again I love the simplicity of this idea and although there are things that it doesn’t show (one such thing mentioned below), it is a great start.

5 Languages of Love
Acts of Service	Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.
Quality Time	Nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
Physical Touch	This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.
Words of Affirmation	Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.
Receiving Gifts	Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

The website states that the benefit of knowing, and therefore speaking, someone else’s love language is a greater sense of connection via better communication and increased understanding.

As you can see below in my family our languages are quite different although dh, ds and I all match on the primary language. It is really useful to know these facts and I am going to pin these results up somewhere where everyone can see them remind us all how we want to be appreciated/loved by others.

	Me	DH	DS	DD
Acts of Service	11 (1)	9 (1)	7 (1)	3
Quality Time	6	8 (2)	7 (1)	6 (1)
Physical Touch	2	7	5	3
Words of Affirmation	8 (2)	4	5	3
Receiving Gifts	3	2	6 (2)	5 (2)

The children are really interested in how these languages may change over time so we are going to redo the test every few months and see if they change as an experiment. I, for one, am aware that at present Acts of Service are really important to me because I am not 100% well and haven’t been for over 3 months. Once my health is better it may be that Quality Time may become more important and Acts of Service less important – who knows. 

Also, an interesting discussion with DH revealed that Words of Affirmation are important to him but more in the guise of “fewer words of defamation” as in those sorts of things mentioned above. My DH doesn’t like me saying things like “You never answer your phone” or “You always forget when I have asked you to do something” so although he doesn’t need to be affirmed, he hates being shamed like this, especially in front of the kids. This is great for me to know as I can try and keep these frustrations of mine more private for his sake. I am also going to endeavour to stop using the dreaded “always”/”never” words which –let’s be honest – I should “never” use LOL.

So these are the two things I would add to any relationship curriculum if it were up to me, which seeing as I home-educate it is. Hope you find it helpful!!!

Designing Health the Permaculture Way

Part 1 - Movement

Over the last year I have yet again, through lack of time and losing my favourite exercise activity of Ceroc, gone beyond my comfortable size.  I have an uncomfortable "my belly looks like I am pregnant" phase I hit which always results in my taking stock of where I am health-wise and what I am going to do to tone up a bit.  I then found that I was officially obese with a BMI of 30.5, which is probably the heaviest I have ever been in my lifetime,.  I am sure this is a result of many factors such as:

1. my relatively recent foray into the "diet" industry AGAIN
2. the aforementioned lack of Ceroc classes in York
3. my recurring back problem which occasionally stops me exercising
4. my weekly kick-boxing classes being cancelled
5. my liking of chocolate

to mention but a few.  With regards to point 1, like many others, I always end up feeling lousy about my lack of willpower to stick to a restrictive diet and I end up heavier/fatter than when I started. It always seems such an ingrained, natural thing to do though - to diet. I always vowed after having children that I wouldn't diet because I don't want my children growing up with the idea that diets are a good thing. Anyway I am resolute that I not going to restrict my eating like that again and I will be looking at my eating habits as a separate issue to this one.  So having vowed that I would never again restrict my diet or try to be unrealistic about what exercise I am going to do, I was left with a bit of hole as to what to do next.  This void, together with no sign of Ceroc classes returning to York, left me in a bit of a quandary.

So I started thinking about designing my health and I thought that using Lobby's Design Web mentioned in her book Permaculture and People would be a great place to start.  What I liked about this Permaculture Design Process was that it is more geared towards acknowledging me as a person and I felt it would help me overcome the obstacles which have hindered my health in the past. There were also many aspects of the ideas within this web which resonated with processes which I have put in place in my life since attending the Hoffman Process and training as a Shamanic Practitioner (more of these realisations may appear in other blog posts and Permaculture design write-ups.)  Here is the write up of that design so far using Looby's Design Web:

	Ideas
	Growth Phase
Vision	To be healthier. To continue to enjoy life and find more ways to integrate body movement (I hate the word exercise) into my way of life. To find a balance between time away at classes and time with my family. To protect my back (which has been problematic since I was 16) by increasing my core stability. To have fun. Incorporate more movement into my everyday life to counteract the amount of time spent at a computer. To be realistic. Learn more useful skills. Build on what I already know.
Helps	My geeky nature - I could potentially incorporate some apps and goals so I can see my progress. The resources of the internet. My stubbornness and willingness to try anything once. Finding activities which are fun and/or useful in my life in other ways.
Limits	Cost (financial, equipment, time.) I get bored easily. The need to feel that the time/cost is worth it. My tendency to be unrealistic.
	Exploratory Phase
Patterns	1. I get bored easily. 2. I don't like spending money. 3. I don't like going out in the evening as that is when I see my husband. 4. I fear I won't stick to any program if I have to do it alone. 5. If it's not fun I will not want to continue. 6. Worrying about my appearance. 7. I find it difficult to do exercise at home because I forget as there are always other things to do and distractions. 8. Overdoing it and not realising when I need a break
Ideas	1. Find an activity which progresses in some way or where improvements are easily noticed. 2. Use my time-bank hours to pay for classes or find something where the benefit of the class outweighs the cost. Realise any investment will be of benefit to me. 3. Include the family in my workouts or find during the day classes which don't get in the way of evening family time which is what we did with kick-boxing. 4. Find classes where there is extra motivation to participate or find some goal-orientated way to give me staying power to keep going. 5. Find classes I really, really enjoy like Ceroc. 6. Continue to work on the reasons that I don't like my appearance and realise that these are not size-related because they have always been there. 7. Find activities I can do at home and find a way to remind myself. 8. Make sure I evaluate regularly and re-design when needed
Principles	1. Observe and Interact - taking ideas from nature - I have always liked the idea of natural movement (see blog posts here and here) but I find it really difficult incorporating these ideas into my life (point 7 in patterns.) I need to find ways to have the space, time and inclination to does these things and I need to integrate them into my way of life so that I think about it, they are just things I do as naturally as breathing, eating, etc. I also need to be aware of when I am resisting any changes and analyse what this resistance means. 2. Catch & Store Energy - maybe my geeky nature would be a good way to capture the energy of my finding new ways to move and get healthier e.g. revisit websites I have used before to track my activities e.g. endomondo, mapmyfitness, myfitnesspal and investigate other activity apps/websites which incorporate goal setting; connecting to others and forums for advice; in the past I have taken photos along the way which I might do again to keep me motivated; getting my kids involved could also help. 3. Obtain a Yield - feeling healthier, losing the "pregnant" belly feeling, incorporating natural movement into my life so it is seamless, learn what feels good to me, increase my range of body movements and become more somatically aware. 4. Apply Self-regulation & Accept Feedback - if I don't enjoy the activity I need to find something else as I refuse to do exercise for the sake of exercise as it makes me feels bad and my emotional well-being is as important as my physical well-being. Maybe finding classes which are flexible would benefit my life-style in that I very often cannot stick to a set time and day. Pay-as-you-go is therefore better than any pre-paid classes. Revisit how I feel about what I am doing every month or so to check that I am happy; my kids are happy with any time away as is my dh. My feedback needs to be about how I feel physically but also emotionally, spiritually and mentally about my health. Although I am talking about activities and classes if I am not feeling better in all aspects of my life then my plan is not working so I need to find a way to monitor these 4 areas each month. 5. Use & Value Renewable Resources and Services - I will be using my own power to improve my health and one of the reasons I am planning this design is so that I remain a viable renewable resource for as long as possible. 6. Produce no Waste - over time I have accrued all the workout equipment, DVDs, clothing and shoes that I need to try any type of activity necessary. I will endeavour where possible to find local activities and will evaluate why (if ever) I need to go further afield. Again I will balance using my car to get to classes over time away from family and other considerations. 7. Design from Patterns to Details - being clear about why I want to be healthier and how to balance my health with family/time/finances.  Combat any negative patterns about my health and create healthy patterns. Evaluate my monthly feedback from (4) and redesign if necessary. Celebrate any break in negative patterns as well as any new healthier ones. 8. Integrate rather than Segregate - having made a space in my bedroom (see here) for exercise which already includes a climbing wall, punch-bag, various exercising paraphernalia and a playstation 2/TV combo and now enough floor space for most types of activity this gives the kids and I the chance to engage in whatever movement activity takes our fancy. This area is nearly perfect from a theoretical point of view but we need to start using it so that it becomes an integral part of our lives for fun movement activities including keeping up with our kick-boxing skills in case we ever get to go back to our classes. 9. Use Small & Slow Solutions - I am being realistic here that anything I do is not going to make my "pregnant"-like belly disappear overnight or my BMI suddenly be reasonable. I haven't had a BMI within normal range for over 12 years and I am not even sure I agree with it as a measurement anyway. This design is focussing on how I feel about myself from all four aspects of my "quadrinity" (as the Hoffman Process calls the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects of ourselves) and so my reflective writings about how I feel will be my overall guide as to how the design is going. Integrating different ways of being in my body will be slow because anything that doesn't work will be dis-guarded and new things tried and evaluated. 10. Use & Value Diversity - I need to look at this "integrating movement into my life" design holistically and as mentioned earlier need to include different types of movement in different places e.g. outdoors, indoors, natural movement, cardio, strength work, martial arts, etc. 11. Use Edges  & Value the Marginal - over the last year there have been changes in my life which are worth considering with regard to edges. For example, my parents moving to York and my getting a Saturday job. Both these things can integrate using my body more into my life if I chose them to. Sharing some activities with my children and husband can acknowledge the edges between us and help me in my endevaour to improve my health. 12. Creatively Use  & Respond to Change - I am going to be 42 in January so I need to incorporate strength work as well as cardio as my muscle mass is in decline. I have an opportunity to include natural movement now we have a woodland where we get the fuel for our wood-burning stove so I can carry logs from garden to house regularly over winter and pile logs all year round at the woodland. I recently started working so relying on walking and cycling wherever possible saves money (+ve.) I also have an opportunity to include my children in anything I do as I home educate and want them to have a positive view on how moving their bodies makes them feel good. Most of all though I need to find activities that take over from Ceroc and kick-boxing.
	Productive Phase
Integration	Thoughts via hackpad
Action	Measure various parts of my body and take a photo on 1st January 2015 Use misfit acticity tracker everyday and sync with app so it gets picked up by mapmywalk Trial Monday swimming with the kids at least once a month Keep going to MFT classes on Tuesday (or Thursday if I cannot do Tuesday) Trial Tai Chi classes on Wednesday morning with the kids, once a month maybe twice - review in 2 months Friday - attend Jitsu class (move to Monday if I cannot do Friday) Friday or Saturday once a month to every 6 weeks go climbing with at least Dave Try out various activities with the kids eg. 7 minute workout on my phone; DVDs; trampolining; kettlebells; natural movement; etc. - start small Incorporate more things as I get more time
Momentum	Review on the 1st of every month. Add this date to my calender as well as a weekly check in when I have time.
	Reflective Phase
Appreciation	Take photos and measurements at my monthly review and celebrate my achievements regardless
Reflection	Monthly review.
Pause	If I need time off, take time off.

That's it for now. Watch this space!!

family dynamics

Love Letter to My Daughter

(which I composed in the car on the way to a meeting this morning)

It’s me who doesn't see the beautiful person that you are

And the growing potential you have to be a kind and loving star

It’s me who doesn't see all the wondrous gifts you have

And all the quirky things you do to make other people laugh

It’s me who’s frosted glasses mean I cannot clearly see

The marvellous, eccentric person standing right in front of me

I need to take off those glasses and make sure I get a proper view

Of the person who stands before me, the very special you

I'm sorry that I sometimes yell at you – squashing your authentic self

Instead of nurturing those unique traits that add to your true wealth

I'm sorry that you feel that I love your brother more than you

Because you think I am more like him and daddy is more like you

Maybe sometimes that is what I show you and that is my fault and not yours

So here is my promise to you – a mother-daughter relationship clause

I will try to take the time to see you for the unique person that you are

And try to help you continue to be a kind, loving, authentic star

I have been having a hard time recently with connecting with my dd.  She’s an amazing, eccentric, quirky, beautiful, funny, joyful, caring, sharing, helpful 9 yo.  She is also very, very different to my ds whom I seem to be on the same wavelength with and so that makes the times when dd is pessimistic, unhelpful, a bit whiny, stubborn and a bit mean, more of a problem because those are not traits I would ascribe to my ds and they are traits which I find challenging especially when I am not in a good place myself.  

I love both my children unconditionally but I have to admit I do sometimes find it a lot easier to like my ds than my dd and I feel awful saying that.  And that got me thinking – why do I feel awful saying that?  When I quizzed my daughter about whether she understood, and therefore, “got on with” daddy more than me she said yes and I can totally understand why.  They have a similar outlook on life the same as ds and I do.  What I want to do though is make sure that my dd knows that I love her as much as I do my ds and that will never, never change.  I also want her to know that in life there are people who you are going to “get on with” more than others and that is ok too.  

However want I need to remember is to find a way to re-frame, or deal with, those traits which I find problematic so that they don’t grate as much.  At the same time I want to help my dd to maybe master the time and place where those traits are beneficial and don’t end up annoying or hurting people unduly.  I can totally see times when being whiny and a bit stubborn can be beneficial and even when being mean (maybe in a more constructive way) could actually have a positive outcome.  I cannot do that if I am not seeing the beautiful person my dd is under those characteristics and that is what I have been doing of late.  

As parents we have a huge responsibility to our children because we chose to have them.  My dd didn't choose to be born and also didn't choose to have those character traits that sometimes wind me up.  I have to see and nurture the best in her whatever she does and I need to love her even when I don’t feel like it.  But also I need to steer her to be the best she can be and that can never be done with putting her down or consistently having a go at her.  

I read my dd the above and asked her permission to put it on my blog.  She also said that in return for my trying to do what I have said, she will give me hugs in return.  Who could want for more than that!!

Following on a little later, my dd and I had a chat about stuff and we came up with the idea that she could make a badge that reads “I am upset and will talk about it when I am ready.”  This is because she says that she thinks she can be more annoying or whingey when she feels upset but that she doesn't always want to talk about it then.  We are going to try it and see if it works and she is also going to make one for daddy too!!!

This reminded me of the fact that a while ago dd, ds and I had a major discussion about how dd annoys ds and vice versa.  Dd tried to vocalise that she sometimes feels pressured to say sorry or work out how she feels too quickly in these scenarios.  There is an imago relationship theory about there being a maximiser and minimiser in every relationship (read about it here.)  My dh and I can definitely attest to that.  What is interesting though with our children is that it seems that ds is a maximiser like me  - where everything has to be out in the open and sorted out now (if not sooner) - and dd is a minimiser like my dh - where they need time to mull things over.  It can be a very frustrating dynamic from both sides but I would say more so when 2 maximisers are finding 1 minimiser annoying.  I had forgotten about this so having now written it as a blog post maybe I will be able to remember this minimiser/maximiser stuff and come up with other coping strategies for all of us to live life more harmoniously.

Is being "wrong" really that bad?

It’s funny how time affects memories and links things together in a strange collage of time and events.  

At the end of May last year I was up in Glasgow with my family celebrating a friend’s 18^th birthday.  We arrived a few days before the celebrations to a complex break-up situation between the Mum (a long-time friend) and her partner.  My dh and I tried to create a buffer between the couple to lessen the stress being caused to the birthday girl and her siblings.  Over the few days we were there, we listened, advised as friends, reflected back feelings, listened some more and tried to help as best we could.  After the break-up both dh and I were blamed by the ex for various mistakes, and ultimately, his break up. 

Fast forward to this May and I have been embroiled in another situation where it seems blame has been directed from one individual towards many.  I understand that it isn't easy admitting that you might have been wrong or incorrect in your assumptions.  I still find it difficult - get defensive and try and justify that what I did was ok.  Although I do not think this is human nature, as such, I feel it is a deep conditioning in a lot of us on this planet.  I used to think it was great being able to blame someone else but not anymore because I know how detrimental it is to how I feel deep down inside.   

My dilemma is:

Do we have a moral obligation, or a right, to tell someone when we feel that they have got it wrong?  

If there are other people involved, especially kids, should we speak up?  

I needed to be at my friend’s 18^th celebrations regardless of the circumstances.  Should I have ignored what was going on between her Mum and the partner?  Should I have just listened, tried to shield the kids from the emotional outfall but not given any advice even when asked? 

I wouldn't let a friend mistakenly run in front of a car if I could stop it.  I wouldn't tell them as they lay in a hospital bed, recovering from the accident, that I thought they needed to 'learn' from their experience of being hit by a car.  So why would I let a friend (or any fellow human being) run in front of a metaphorical car in terms of destructive behaviour,  making mistakes, or let them continue to be in denial of their behaviour and its consequences?  Why do they need to learn for themselves when someone can point it out to them in a compassionate way? 

I don’t know the answers to these questions.  I just know I feel uncomfortable about these two situations and they led me to write this blog.  

I am glad that I have friends and family who challenge my behaviour.  It isn't easy to hear when you have done something wrong (I don’t like that word but it will have to do).  Being told I have been overly defensive, sarcastic, or anything similar is upsetting but I, like everyone else, can 'get over' being upset.  It isn’t the end of the world and I would rather know in the long run then not know.  

No-one has ever died from being told they didn’t do something as well as they could, especially if it is delivered in a friendly way that keeps the “wrong” behaviour separate from the person.  [Non-violent communication (NVC) is very good for examples of this, as is the Siblings without Rivarly and Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk books.  You don’t tell someone that they are a bad person - you tell them that they have acted badly.] 

So here are some of my relationship facts:

1. Treat everyone as you would like to be treated
2. Being told something you did is your fault NEVER killed anyone.  Accept it, don’t automatically justify your way out of it, sit with the feelings for a while and see what happens.  You know what though? – the world won’t end if you did do something wrong and if you didn’t then you have to wonder why the other person thought that you did and remember point 1
3. Not accepting that something is your fault when it might have been at some level affects your self-esteem in a detrimental way and could negatively affect your relationships – so is being right really worth it?
4. Blaming someone else for any thing in your life is making you a victim and removing your control over your own life.
5. No-one can make you do anything you don’t want to (other than in a very, very small set of circumstances) so accept your place in the universe, warts and all. 
6. We all have flaws, faults, patterns of behaviour which aren’t helpful to us but again acting out on these is not the end of the world.  Apologise when you realise, try and learn from the experience and move on.  Also if someone else points it out to you refer to point 2
7. Someone so hell-bent on being right is missing the opportunity to see where they might have been mistaken.  Sympathise with them because they aren’t really living, learning and growing (see point 4 and below)

Anyway attending the Hoffman Process a few years ago really helped me accept my “faults” without being as defensive or feeling as guilty.  I now find it easier (not easy yet – but easier) to apologise when I have made a mistake.  This willingness to accept responsibility for my actions has brought me closer to my friends and family.  It also means that every time I accept my not-so-nice behaviour I learn about myself and it becomes easier to acknowledge a mistake the next time.  Accepting my flaws and weaknesses actually makes me stronger and it seems to me that people who cannot accept theirs are more unhappy because they are caught up in a myth of who they really are. 

I don’t want to live my life as part myth and part me. 

I want to life my live part me and another part me, even if that second part:

makes mistakes (they are my mistakes)

has regrets (they are my regrets) 

hurts other people (I can apologise and re-connect with them)

lets people down (I can make it up to them and re-connect with them)

And by accepting these things about myself, I am accepting and loving myself.  Only by accepting and loving myself, can I accept and love others.  By continuing to learn and admit when I get it wrong, I give my friends and family the ability and space to do the same.  As Brene Brown would put it “for connection to happen [between human beings] we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen” – warts and all!!!

Maybe that is the answer to my dilemma.  If everyone could find a way to accept themselves for the wonderful, unique person that they are, maybe blame and the need to be right would become a thing of the past.  Until it does though, I celebrate my ability to say sorry and try harder next time and hope you will join me!!!!!

Click here to see Brene’s blog.  Click here for her "Listening to shame" TED talk and here for her "Power of vulnerability" TED talk.

"The Hoffman Process is an intensive 8-day residential course that promotes personal discovery and development."  You cannot really sum it up that easily because what you learn, experience and feel in those 8 days is potentially life-changing.  Click here to see the Hoffman Process UK website or contact me via the form on my website here, if you want to know more about my personal experience on the process.

"The key focus of NVC is - noticing the feelings and needs in ourselves and others, as a way of being in touch with what really matters to us and others.  In addition, to achieve greater clarity in our self awareness and ‘inner chatter’, and to decrease the likelihood of others hearing blame or criticism in the words we use with them, NVC brings our awareness to making factual observations without judgements and also to making clear specific requests in our dialogues with others."  Click here to go to the UK NVC website, here for the Siblings Without Rivalry book, here for the How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk book and here for the teenage version of the Talk book. 

Another brilliant perspective on a similar subject here - "There can often be many ‘right’ answers to a situation or for resolving a conflict. So the perception that there is just one  right answer  and all others are wrong is limiting."